Difficulties
30 Oct 2009
The key to winning a dispute: remain calm and logical.
If you have a conflict with a housing officer, a landlord, an immigration official, a lecturer, or any other Dutch person, it will be useful for you to know how most people in the Netherlands are taught to behave in conflict situations. This could be quite different from what is customary in your own country. Knowing about the differences could help you avoid making the situation worse. The following recommendations are meant to offer insight; it’s not a set of rules. As you read them, remember also that you will always run into exceptions.
- In general the Dutch see themselves as trying to be fair by treating everyone the same. That is why they will quote criteria, rules and regulations—because these affect everyone equally. In general, the Dutch resist giving preferential treatment to anyone. They even avoid ranking people in terms of merit. Certain cases might qualify as ‘urgent’, but even this will be decided on the basis of objective criteria. Whatever you do, don’t demand preferential treatment as being ‘the most needy’, ‘the most talented’, ‘the most mistreated’, or ‘the most anything else’. This will work against you. Instead, state your case calmly, and—if you can—in terms of the criteria or rules the person is applying. It can also be useful to state how the present situation is affecting you.
- In the Netherlands, even someone who is very angry will generally try to control that anger. Shouting, swearing and vehement gestures are viewed as signs of weakness or as an attempt at physical intimidation. All such behaviour will weaken your argument in the eyes of the Dutch person.
- The officers or civil servants you talk to will generally have the authority they need to make decisions. Even if they seem very young, they do not have to consult a boss or more senior colleague. Therefore, if you disagree with something they are telling you, do not ask to see the boss. This will only insult them and make them angry. And the boss would almost certainly back up the staff member and apply exactly the same set of criteria or rules. Ask instead about the procedure by which you can appeal the decision. And whatever you do, don’t forget that the woman you are talking to has just as much power as a man in the same position.
- It is not customary in the Netherlands to give a gift to someone who has been helpful while doing their job. In fact, most organizations place limits on what employees may accept. Nothing may endanger their impartiality when dealing with clients, suppliers, etc. Bribes are absolutely taboo, and most Dutch people would be insulted and indignant to be offered one. So if you want to thank someone who has been especially helpful, send them a card or give them something small, and be sure to do it afterward rather than before. The gesture will be appreciated. A large gift, on the other hand, would make the person feel uncomfortable, and a gift offered in advance—which they would see as a bribe—could even turn them against you.